By Olivia Lavelle, LCSW, Certified EMDR Therapist
You open another therapist’s website. They mention trauma, anxiety, and creating a safe space. It sounds promising, but you’re still wondering: Will this person understand what I’m actually struggling with?
Maybe your childhood looked fine from the outside. You had a home, went to school, and learned to handle things yourself. But comfort, encouragement, or room for your feelings may have been harder to find.
Now you’re looking for help with the things that show up today. Saying yes when you want to say no. Feeling responsible for everyone’s mood. Struggling to ask for support without feeling guilty.
Finding a trauma therapist means looking beyond a list of specialties. You want to understand how that person works and whether there is room for your experience.
Look for experience with the concerns you’re bringing
You do not need to arrive with a diagnosis or a complete explanation of your past. You can start with what you notice:
“When someone pulls away or takes longer to respond, I worry I’ve done something wrong.”
“I need reassurance that we’re okay, but I feel embarrassed asking for it.”
“Someone sounds disappointed, and suddenly I feel small, ashamed, or afraid.”
“I want closeness, but when someone gets close, I pull away or shut down.”
“I know I need support, but I feel uncomfortable depending on anyone.”
“I can explain what happened to me, but I struggle to know what I feel or need.”
A useful consultation question is:
“How do you work with someone whose childhood experiences still affect their relationships and reactions today?”
Listen for an explanation you can understand, including how the therapist would learn more before recommending treatment.
Ask what their approach looks like in practice
A therapist may list EMDR, Internal Family Systems, somatic approaches, or attachment work. Those terms become more useful when you understand what happens in a session.
You might ask:
What would our first few appointments involve?
How would we decide what to focus on?
What happens if I feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure?
How will we review whether therapy is helping?
If you’re considering EMDR, ask about the therapist’s training and experience with your concerns.
EMDR includes history taking, treatment planning, preparation, memory processing, and review. Preparation is part of the treatment, and the time it takes varies from person to person.
Notice whether there is room for your pace
If you’re used to being capable and accommodating, you may find yourself trying to be a “good client.” You might agree with a suggestion before deciding whether it feels right, or worry that asking for a pause will disappoint your therapist. You can bring that into the conversation.
“Sometimes I say I’m okay because I don’t want to disappoint people. How would we work with that?”
Ask how the therapist handles uncertainty, pauses, and changes in the treatment plan. You should have opportunities to ask questions and discuss what feels manageable.
Feeling nervous at the beginning does not automatically mean the therapist is a poor fit. Pay attention to how they respond when you express a need or concern.
Consider whether you can discuss difficult moments together
You do not have to feel completely comfortable during a consultation. Trust may take time.
Still, notice whether the therapist listens, explains their thinking, and makes room for your perspective. Can you imagine telling them that something they said did not land well?
The National Institute of Mental Health recommends an initial conversation to understand a therapist’s approach and consider your comfort with them and confidence in their expertise.
You’re allowed to ask questions before committing. You’re also allowed to keep evaluating the fit as you work together.
Choose a schedule that fits your needs
Weekly therapy and an EMDR intensive offer different ways to organize care.
Weekly therapy provides regular appointments, with time between sessions to reflect, apply what you’re exploring, and bring current challenges into the work.
An EMDR intensive sets aside longer appointments for a focus you identify together, with preparation beforehand and integration afterward.
Wanting longer sessions does not automatically make an intensive the right choice. A therapist should help you consider your symptoms, how you manage distress, the support available outside sessions, and the preparation you may need.
You do not have to choose the format on your own.
Questions to bring to a consultation
You do not need a perfect script. These questions can help you begin:
What experience do you have with childhood trauma and emotional neglect?
How do you decide when someone is ready for EMDR processing?
What happens if I need to slow down or change direction?
How do we decide between weekly therapy and an intensive?
What are your fees, payment terms, and expectations for scheduling?
You can also ask how the therapist considers your culture, identity, family background, and experiences of discrimination in treatment.
Finding support in California
I offer online EMDR therapy and intensives for women across California, with a focus on attachment trauma, emotional neglect, and patterns of emotional self-reliance.
We begin by understanding what you want help with and considering which format may fit your needs. My four-hour intensive package includes a separate assessment and preparation session, the intensive session, and a follow-up appointment. Weekly therapy is also available for ongoing care.
Explore EMDR intensives or weekly therapy, or book a free 20-minute consultation.
Frequently asked questions
-
No. You can describe what happened, what felt missing, and what is difficult now. Assessment can help clarify your concerns and treatment options without requiring you to choose a label first.
-
You can begin with a broad description of what brings you in. A consultation is an opportunity to discuss fit, ask questions, and understand the next steps.
-
Certification provides information about additional training and professional requirements. You can also ask about the therapist’s experience with your concerns, how they approach preparation, and how they respond to your questions.
-
An intensive may sometimes complement ongoing therapy. We would discuss whether that arrangement fits your needs and, with your permission, whether coordination with your current therapist would be helpful.
-
I provide therapy online. You must be physically located in California during sessions, but you do not need to live in Los Angeles.
Further reading
This article provides general educational information and does not replace an individual assessment or treatment recommendation.
About the Author
Olivia Lavelle, LCSW is a Certified EMDR Therapist who works with women navigating childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, and patterns of emotional self-reliance.
She offers online weekly therapy and half-day and multi-day EMDR intensives for women across California.
Olivia holds a Master of Social Work from the University of Southern California. Her additional training includes EMDR for complex PTSD and dissociation, EMDR intensives, and IFS-informed EMDR.
Her work focuses on helping women explore the gap between understanding their patterns and feeling able to respond differently.
Learn more about Olivia or book a free 20-minute consultation.
