Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Why It Feels So Hard and How Therapy Can Help
Introduction: The Hidden Weight of People-Pleasing
If you’re the person everyone can count on, but deep down you feel drained, unseen, or resentful, you’re not alone. People-pleasing isn’t just about being “too nice.” It’s often a survival strategy learned early in life. It was a way to stay safe, avoid conflict, or earn love and approval. Over time, though, it can leave you feeling disconnected from your true self.
As a trauma-informed therapist offering therapy in Santa Monica and online across California, I work with high-functioning women who feel stuck in these patterns. They want to stop saying “yes” when they mean “no,” but worry that setting boundaries will make them selfish or unlovable. Together, we untangle where these patterns come from — and, most importantly, we create a path toward freedom.
What People-Pleasing Really Is (And Isn’t)
Many of my clients think people-pleasing means they’re weak or lacking boundaries. But the truth is: people-pleasing is a form of protection.
It’s not weakness. It’s an adaptive strategy your nervous system created to help you survive.
It’s not selfish to want to change. Reclaiming your time, energy, and voice isn’t about shutting others out — it’s about finally letting yourself in.
It’s not “just a habit.” It’s deeply wired into your sense of safety and belonging. That’s why breaking free feels so overwhelming at first.
People-pleasing often starts in childhood. Maybe you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable, critical, or unpredictable. You learned to avoid their anger or win their love by being “the good one.” Over time, saying “yes” became automatic, even when it hurt.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up in Everyday Life
Clients often tell me they didn’t realize how much people-pleasing was running the show until it started affecting every area of life:
Relationships: Always putting partners’ needs above your own, attracting emotionally unavailable people, or fearing abandonment if you speak up.
Work: Taking on more than your share, staying late, or avoiding conflict with bosses and coworkers even when treated unfairly.
Friendships and Family: Struggling to say no, agreeing to things you don’t want to do, or being the “strong one” everyone leans on.
Yourself: Feeling guilty for resting, struggling with decision-making, or judging yourself harshly for not doing “enough.”
The cost? Exhaustion, anxiety, resentment, and a constant sense that you’re never truly allowed to be yourself.
Why It Feels Impossible to Stop
If you’ve tried to stop people-pleasing, you’ve probably noticed how hard it is. That’s because your brain and body see “no” as a risk.
When you say no:
Your nervous system may interpret it as danger.
Old fears surface: “They’ll leave me. They’ll be mad. I’ll be rejected.”
Guilt floods in, making you question yourself.
This is why healing people-pleasing requires more than just tips or scripts. It requires working with your nervous system and underlying trauma patterns, not against them.
How Therapy Helps You Break Free from People-Pleasing
1. Understanding the Root
In trauma therapy in Santa Monica and online, we trace people-pleasing back to its origins. Many clients discover they’re not “broken”, they simply adapted to environments where love or safety wasn’t guaranteed. This reframing brings so much relief.
2. EMDR Therapy for Old Wounds
Through EMDR Intensives and weekly sessions, we can help the nervous system release old survival responses. For example:
That memory of being scolded for speaking up.
The shame you felt for needing attention.
The belief that love must be earned.
When your brain reprocesses these experiences, your body no longer reacts as if they’re happening now. Saying “no” becomes possible without panic.
Learn more about EMDR Intensives in California
3. Building Emotional Regulation
We use grounding and nervous system regulation tools to help you stay steady when guilt or fear rises. Instead of spiraling, you learn to pause, breathe, and respond with clarity.
4. Practicing Boundaries with Support
Therapy becomes your safe space to practice new ways of communicating. Whether it’s saying no, asking for help, or being more authentic, you’ll rehearse these shifts so they feel less overwhelming in real life.
The Ripple Effects of Healing People-Pleasing
When clients begin breaking free from people-pleasing, their lives transform in ways they didn’t expect:
Relationships feel lighter. You connect more authentically, without resentment simmering underneath.
Work becomes more balanced. You stop overextending, and your confidence grows.
Your body feels calmer. Less tension, fewer stress symptoms, more energy.
Self-worth deepens. You begin to believe you are enough — even when you’re not performing for others.
This isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about living with integrity, honoring your needs, and discovering that the people who truly love you will still be there when you stop overgiving.
Why Location Matters: Therapy in Santa Monica and Beyond
If you’re searching for people-pleasing therapy in Santa Monica, or anywhere in Los Angeles County and California online, you deserve support that truly understands the roots of your struggle.
Many women I work with are high-achievers, caretakers, and “strong ones” who look fine on the outside but feel depleted inside. Whether you’re local to Santa Monica or meeting online, therapy offers a compassionate, nonjudgmental space to finally put yourself first.
Explore Trauma Therapy in California
Learn about Grief Therapy in Santa Monica
Practical Steps You Can Try Right Now
While therapy offers deeper healing, here are a few steps you can begin today:
Pause before saying yes. Even a simple, “Let me think about it,” can give you space.
Name your feelings. Write down what you’re feeling and what you truly want before responding.
Start small. Practice saying no to low-stakes requests first.
Notice your body. Do you feel tension, tightness, or guilt when setting boundaries? That’s your nervous system at work.
Offer self-compassion. Remind yourself: “It’s not selfish to honor my needs. It’s healthy.”
Closing: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Breaking free from people-pleasing is not just about boundaries. It’s about healing the parts of you that believed you had to earn love by disappearing.
If this resonates with you, know that support is available. Together, we can release the old patterns keeping you stuck and create a life where you feel calm, confident, and connected.
I offer trauma-informed therapy in Santa Monica and online across California, specializing in EMDR, grief, and anxiety. Whether through weekly sessions or EMDR Intensives, you don’t have to keep carrying this alone.
